Louie Behogan used to have a friend named Googely Eyes. I don’t remember him much. He was a fluffy thing with big googely eyes, hence his name. Traumatic story and a true one at that. He went missing on a TWA flight! I left both of them sitting on my seat while I got up to go the bathroom and when I got back Louie Behogan was the only one still sitting in the seat. My father, who I was traveling with, saw nothing. I even doubted my father, claiming he pushed him, and even doubting whether he ever liked Googely Eyes. Sure, we looked all over, but sadly, Googely Eyes was never to be found.
If you have made it this far in my story, you are probably thinking, “she is flapping her wings again.”
I was thinking about doubt, and self-doubt. I mean, Googely Eyes goes missing, my father saw nothing, and I doubt him? What exactly is doubt? To be uncertain, skeptical, to disbelieve, distrust or to regard as unlikely. When you throw the self in front of doubt, now it is for the person to decide what they are uncertain about.
I have been accused of wearing my heart on my sleeve, and really, nothing is farther from the truth. The writing part of my heart lays hidden in journals and on scraps of paper all stowed away in my closet. In reality, I am like every other person, we are all onions. My onion is filled with all the self-doubt that I have created when it comes to myself and writing. If you only knew how much stuff I have written through the years, oh but wait, you wouldn’t know that, since everything is locked away in the vault of my closet. What if I am not good? What if people hate what I write? Oh, a million and one what ifs anchored like an albatross around my neck.
I guess the reality is that at the ripe old age of 40 something, I don’t care anymore. I am no longer seeking approval from anyone but myself. If you don’t like me, don’t follow me, but I am going to lead myself.
You know, if things had gone differently on that TWA flight, and Louie Behogan was lost I might not be writing today. And come on, I doubt you would take a blog named Googely Eyes seriously?
Alright, I am done flapping my wings for the day.